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Chilie's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2009-10-18 20:04
Subject:Optimism vs Realism
Mood: blank

Life is full of unexpected turns, just like any journey.

I don't get on here much. Probably just a couple times a year. When something goes wrong in your life, sometimes it's easier to write it down to really feel what your heart is feeling. I am a very passionate person, and I've always known that. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I honestly don't think a single person is meant to handle the vast amount of emotion that I hold in one conversation. It's almost unbearable at times.

I think Brian has a false idea about the way a person is supposed to feel, and I believe I have that same problem. It would be indescribably perfect if it weren't for that our ideas are on opposite ends of the spectrum. He has a terrible tendency to believe that emotions are not meant to be played out, whether your a male or female is of no consequence. I know that may sound like your "typical man", but I would say that most men feel or eventually will feel some sort of sympathy. I have only ever seen that in Brian once that I can remember, and it was because it would have drastically effected his life. Like I said earlier, I am a very passionate person and with that comes a "heart-on-the-sleeve-scenario". It is very frustrating. I have been working on smothering my emotions down to gasping ashes, but I find little luck in this escapade.

I have always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, in any situation. It's been that way through out my entire life, and I've always considered it a blessing. I still do, to some extent. I do, however, finding myself wishing that I could see situations for what they are - black & white. That is literally impossible for me. It's not even gray, it's as if true colors come through and it blinds me. Again, it's very frustrating. Most of the time, I just want to talk it through. It would be... perfect if he was just capable of listening. I don't think that will happen, ever. "When it's good... it's perfect. When it's bad... it's straight out of a horror movie." That's what I always say about our relationship. Between my over exaggerated emotions and his flaming temper... I am literally the "premium" gasoline to his already red hot fire.

We enjoy all the same things. We are both easily amused and pleased with beautiful sights, smells and sounds. We both are passionate about animals. Our beliefs are parallel, and we basically always know what we will say before the other finishes a sentence. Well that part can be frustrating because it leaves little reason for communication, but it's still incredible. I could wait on him a thousand years until he returns from his wars, and I would love him just as dearly as the day I met him. Hm. Love. That word didn't ever truly exist until I met Brian. When I feel like I have come to that "dead end" we all know about, it paralyzes me. It would be... impossible. It would be a hole in my chest, just as described in books and movies. So in my optimistic way of thinking, I can only conclude that it has to work out in some way. Otherwise, the gift I have been given... the light at the end of the tunnel will have faded into the black. I just don't believe in unhappy endings.

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Date:2008-07-18 02:51
Subject:so this is my life.....
Mood: ecstatic

And thank you Jesus for it!! I'm sitting at home with my handsome husband at the moment. I have been really concentrated, lately, on our communication. We have been married for one and a half years now and I don't wAnt our respect for eachother to fade. They say that happens after awhile. Brian and I like to lie awake in bed after its gotten late and just talk about random subjects that may be completely irrelevant to anything. We love it and hope to continue those conversations well into our nineties! I can honestly say that the past three and a half years have been the happiest of my life and it gets better with every passing day. I really hope that the people in my past feel a fraction of the joy that I do in my present because those people will be truly blessed!!!!

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Date:2008-05-01 10:58
Subject:Three years later....

It's so funny how every once in a while I remember I have this journal! I love going back and seeing all I've been through at random times since high school.

It's been almost three years since I've written in this and so much has changed. Brian and I are married, we just had our one year wedding anniversary (three year "been together" anniversary). A few months after our wedding we adventured off and moved to North Carolina. We absolutely love it here(!). Brian transferred from the Florida National Guard to the NC National Guard. He is guaranteed not to go anywhere for the next two years because he is on State relief in case of a natural disaster.  

We plan on having kids soon, well, planning on "trying" next March. By then, we will have been married for two years and have had a little time to ourselves.

"Some things never change", I still work for Petsmart and have moved up through the company. I plan on going back to school when Brian gets his law enforcement career together. I still want to be a school teacher. I still talk to all my closest friends back home and miss them all greatly. I keep in contact with all my siblings and my parents and wish they would move here! I work on it day to day! 

I still can't believe that this is the way my life turned out. Well for one, everyone thought that Matt and I would be "hitched" right after high school! Which by the way, Matt and I still talk and he is also married with a beautiful baby boy! I love his wife and plan on visiting her soon! I never thought that I would move away from Florida (but have always wanted to). The hot, humid weather and thousands of people in every direction really bothers me. I truly believe that your life will turn out wonderful if you follow the signs and put your faith in Jesus. I thank him everyday for my life. I could never imagine it being any better. Well unless he wants to drop down a couple thousand acres and a horse ranch.... no? Okay, I can deal!

Well, I'll probably write in here for a couple weeks and forget about it again. 

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Date:2005-11-05 12:06
Subject:Been Awhile!
Mood: thankful

It's been awhile since I've written in here! I get to see my baby next month! less than 6 weeks away! I'm so excited! This will be the 4th and last time I will have to say good bye to him also. And after this... the next time I see him, will be forever! :) I often watch my friends that are in relationships and I realize how lucky I am. I mean really truely lucky.

It's totally amazing that I found him. I can't say it enough. God is truely awesome. I can't believe that he can make two people that are completely compatible with eachother and put them into a situation where they can end up together forever. There are so many people in the world. What are the chances that he walks into my work, with his big handsome smile and determined look on his face!

You know I use to pray everyday for mine and Matt's relationship. That it would work out. And that I would my love for him would grow, and that I could be happy with him. It reminds me of that song unanswered prayers. Because if it wasn't for my unanswered prayers, I might have nevevr found the person that makes me as happy as I am now. I'm such a love sap. I can't help it!

Well I have to make my baby some cookies... so I best get on it! :)

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Date:2005-09-26 16:44
Subject:Waiting on the Wonderful
Mood: refreshed

Just 80 more days... can't believe that I get to see him in less than 3 months! It feels like it's just around the corner. Pretty soon he'll be back for good and I won't have to be without him anymore!!!!!!! I just love him too much! It's totally amazing how God gives us emotions that over flow to the point where you can't control them. The amount of love I have to share with him is unreal. I'm trying to save it up for when he gets back. It's hard for me to bottle it up though... I just have way too much love to give! I need to express it in a number of different ways!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway... I did write a lot more earlier on here... but i had to re-do it cause this webpage deleted it all. It really sucked. So I don't feel like re-typing everything.

So that will be all for now.

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Date:2005-09-08 09:46
Subject:99 days
Mood: optimistic

I'm starting my countdown now... I still don't know exactly when I get to see my baby again, but I'm gunna guess the 17th of December. It's two days before his Birthday, so he has to be home then! I didn't wannna start the countdown when it was still a hundred and something days, thats too many!

Anyway, I gotta work today at 2:00, so right now I'm just relaxing around the house. I got to talk to Brian earlier this morning around 8:00 for a whole half hour. That was nice, I love being able to talk to my sweetheart. Makes my day much better!

There hasnt really been a lot going on. I saw my friend Rachel that I haven't seen in a long time. She came with me over to Brian's house to take care of his fish! That was fun.

I went to the mall yesterday with my friend Nikkie, she's a lot of fun to hang out with. We have a lot in common... and we have the same birthday! It's very exciting! :)

But that's all for now... except that I LOVE YOU BRIAN! But yeah... now that's all

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Date:2005-08-31 20:54
Subject:I wish I may... I wish I might... the first star I see tonight
Mood: content

I had work today as usual, some old stuff, nothing really new. For some reason my neck has been killing me! I can't get it to go away! I came home, my mom made a carrot cake, yummy. I made frosting for her, then she went to work. The house was an absolute mess. I couldn't take it! It was unreal. So I got myself in the kitchen and didn't leave it for 4 and a half hours. It took me so long, but it's sparkling now. I'm so sleepy!!! I actually enjoy cleaning though, I'm such a weirdo. For some reason I've felt stressed out because of work, and I feel like I've been taking it out on the people around me. Now I feel better. I think I just needed to clean a bunch to get all the stress out. I feel nice and relaxed now. :)

Hopefully my baby calls me tonight before I go to bed. It definatly helps me sleep better. I gotta work tomorrow at 8. Not a bad shift. At least I get to sleep in a little. All of my early shifts have been killing me! I feel like I'm gunna fall asleep in the car over! I'm usually such a morning person, but if I gotta wake up before 6, forget it! It's unnatural! Theres a reason God made the sun come up at a certain time. When the sun comes up, a new day begins. When the sun goes down, your suppose to rest! Don't think its rocket science. But anyway, I better get myself ready for bed!

I wish I may
I wish I might
The first star, I see tonight
I wish upon
the glowing light
Hoping that...
I won't loose sight
I have your heart...
I'm holding tight
I wish I may
I wish I might

I miss you sweetheart

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Date:2005-08-26 18:59
Mood: worried

Yesterday Brian and I have been together for 5 months. I can't believe he's been gone for that long already. It kinda sucks in a way. This is suppose to be the time of my life when I'm having fun, soaking it in. Not wanting to get any older. The only thing I can think about is the future. It would be perfect if he was here. We're missing out on these huge, giant chunks of eachothers lives.

I miss you baby.

I really am waiting on the wonderful

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Date:2005-08-16 22:26
Mood: impressed

It's been close to 2 months since Brian has left. It's been okay though. I get to talk to him usually once a day for about 10 to 20 mins. Sometimes I gotta go days without talking to him though. Thank God I have my friends to help me through this... don't think it would be as easy without them. I could do anything for him though. Sometimes when you care for someone enough... you can do things you never dreamt of before. I never thought in a million years I could go a year being away from the person that means most to me. But it really is true that God gives you strength to cope with anything that comes your way, if you know in your heart that it is good and pure. I definatly know that.

He got to call me today, he's on mission. He usually doesn't get to call me when he's out. But a helicopter went down near him, and they let them call home to let family know that their okay. I pray for him daily. I know that he'll come home safe to me. I'm not done with him yet... not even close. I still have my entire life to live with him. I refuse to get that taken away from either of us.

He gets to come home in December. He gets to be home for him Birthday! I'm gunna make it the best birthday that he has ever had. I want it to be absolutely perfect for him. Thats what he deserves! I love him so much!

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Date:2005-08-02 15:32
Mood: peaceful

I've been having pretty regular days... just work and hanging out with Lindsay. Yesterday was a little more hectic. I had to clean everything, went to get a hair cut, and got shane a hair cut, went out to lunch with Kristi and Kristyn, made cookies for my baby, and took Tyler to his orientation at the Middle School. It was weird going back there. I saw a couple of my old teacher. Tyler is getting so old so fast. I'm so proud of him though, he was put in all mainstream classes. I knew that he didn't need to be in that SLD crap!

I'm going shopping with Kristyn and Lindsay in a couple hours. Lindsays having a party on Friday night, and on Saturday Me, Lindsay, Kristyn, Richelle and Deidra are going fishing down in Fort Desoto. I work early shift all week, so I'm gunna be tired by the time Saturday rolls around. I had to be there at 6 this morning, 7 the rest of the week including Sunday.

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Date:2005-07-26 08:51
Mood: accomplished

So it's almost August. The holidays are right around the corner. They still seem so far away, but they will get here quick. I have a lot to look forward to! Ofcourse, everyone knows how much I love the holidays, and I always go crazy with presents and baking lots of food! Now I get to look forward to my sweetheart coming home for a couple weeks! After he has come and gone, my brother's baby will be born! I get to see my other brother, and his wife is pregnant again, also! I just gotta get through August, September, and October. The rest don't count because the holidays will start, and that time will just breeze on by!

I haven't been able to talk to him a lot. He called me in the middle of the night last night. I don't even remember what we talked about. I have been talking to him on average of once a day, for about 15 mins. I have never felt more separated from him as I do now. :(

I have to be at work at 11. I can't wait for a day off. I havent had one in over a week, and my next day off isn't until Thurs. And on my day off I still have to go into work, at 7am. I have a meeting. Sunday is my next true day off. And then the week starts over again.

I finished the new Harry Potter book already... it took me 3 days. I just can't put those books down!

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Date:2005-07-21 12:16
Mood: exhausted

Been almost a month since he's left... :) One month down! Everyday I have to spend with out him is one day closer that I get to spend with him. I know that it is still gunna be hard to be away from him, but like I have said a million times, it's definately gunna be worth it.

Today I'm gunna take Lindsay down to get her oil change... then we're gunna go to the beach. Kinda weird though, since the beginning of the summer I have been wanting to get myself a nice tan, cuz I knew that I was gunna see my baby soon. Now I know that I'm not gunna see him until the winter... my tan will definately be gone by then. Guess it really doesnt matter how I look now... except for in pics for him! At least he's settled where he is gunna stay now. He just needs to get his shit done and leave now!

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow, it was nice having off two days in a row! Now I gotta work all weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Tomorrow is Richelle's Bday, so we're gunna do something for her. They were gunna get a hotel on the beach, but she said it was too expensive. I told her that everyone could chip in that way it would only be like 15 bucks a person. That would have been fun though. I dont know what we're gunna do now.

I saw Matt the other day, that was kinda weird, as usual. I still don't like being around him. He is so pessimistic and negative about everything! Even the look on his face is pitiful. I hope that he finds someone that makes him happy cuz I hate seeing him so sad. It's not my place to try and make him happy because I already have the job dedicated to someone else. It's weird not being able to do anything for him though. I guess its just in my nature to try and make everyone around me happy. I gotta stop that though. Brian is my concern! :)

Anyway, me and Lindsay are gunna be leaving here soon.

Brian If You read this I love you and I miss you! MUAH! xoxoxoxox

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Date:2005-07-14 09:42
Mood: optimistic

It's been over a week now. It's still hard, trying to get use to the fact that he is really gone in another country. He's in Kabul right now, but in a couple days will be heading to Herat. He's not sure when yet. When he gets there, he will be able to get on his PC. So I will beable to talk to him more. He is also going to look into getting a cell phone. That way I can call him if I need to. It will make it a lot easier. I think thats why the last 3 months went by so fast... I was able to talk to him pretty much whenever I wanted. This one week has felt like a month. I get to talk to him usually early in the morning (which is afternoon there), Evening here(which is early morning there), and middle of the night here (which is right before noon there. Even though it seems like a lot, the phones are timed. I feel like whenever I start to tell him something, I'm wasting my breath. So I just dont, I write it all down. When he gets me the new address I can just send it to him.

Other than that... I've basically just been going to work. My brothers girlfriend is pregnant. So I get a new neice or nephew. They are gunna get married in a year or so. She asked me to be one of the brides maids. I hope that the wedding takes place when Brian gets back... that way he can be my date.

I love you Brian!

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Date:2005-07-11 06:21
Mood: sad

This morning... I miss him way too much. I just want to be in his arms. I hate worrying about him. I can't believe how much I love him.

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Date:2005-07-06 16:20
Mood: sleepy

Well my vacations over... sadly. I had so much fun. Brian brought me to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Gator World! We had sooo much fun. Oh he also brought me to Dolly Partons Dixie Stampede. That was a lot of fun too. I couldn't have asked for a better vacation. It was wonderful, just because he was there. We could have gone or stayed anywhere.

He got to know my family better, they all love him. Which is no surprise considering I love him so much. We went out with my brother and sister (who is in town from Chicago), they both liked him a lot. We went out and played pool at Strokers.

Lets see what else...

He went to church with me and my family, and then went out to breakfast with us afterwards. They really meant the world to me. I went out to dinner with him and his family. I really like his family. They make me feel welcome and comfortable.

We spent the last night at his house... packed up his stuff... and got a lil bit of sleep. His bus left at 7am... we woke up at 4:15. It gets harder to say goodbye to him everytime! I get tempted to just drive him to Canada! Just Joking. He is so unbelievable in everyway possible. I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I have no doubts that I'll wait for him. Being away from him is definatly a challenge, but its a challenge that isn't that bad. I know what the outcome will be like. It's completely worth it. I just pray from him everyday that he will come back safe to me. Thats all I ask.

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Date:2005-06-24 14:14
Mood: thankful

Today I get to see my baby... I'm at Lindsays house now. We just got done laying out by the pool. She got her new bed today and she is very excited. :) I have to go and get some stuff from the store.. and then I gotta clean my room a lil... vacuum and stuff. Then shower and get ready for my baby. I cant believe that I actually get to see him. It's amazing how excited you can get over just being face to face with the person that you love. Now it actually makes me angry to see people get into petty fights in their relationships because I realize how much it is taken for granted. They actually get to be with the person that they care about. I can only wish that he was here, and wait for his phone calls. It will all be worth it though. He is so unbelievable in everyway possible. I love him so much! :):):)

Anyway... I need to go and do something with my chlornated hair! :)

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Date:2005-06-22 11:51
Subject:The day after tomorrow!
Mood: scared

I can't believe I get to see him already! :):):):):) I'm soooo excited to be with him again!

I hope these 10 days go by really slow... as excited as I am, the only thing I can think about is the end of his trip. I am going to have to say goodbye again, but this time it's for so much longer. And now I have to worry about him. If anyone hurts him I will go and hunt them down myself! He is my baby, and the only one in the world that is perfect for me. If anything happens to him, I know that whoever I do end up with I will have to settle for. There is no possible way anyone could ever match up to him.

Anyway, I had inventory a couple nights ago and my sleeping schedule is all messed up from it. Especially because I was there until 4am and then had to be back at work by noon. I worked until 8 that day, and then had to be back at work at 7am the next day! I actually got to sleep in today, so I feel a lil better. I just need my vacation! Starts on friday, and ends on July 5th. It will be nice, and getting paid for going on vacation! Yayy! Well I better be getting ready for work now.

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Date:2005-06-14 12:05
Subject:Only 9 days and a wake up!
Mood: cheerful

I'm so excited to see my sweetheart... and this time it won't be rushed! I have him for 10 days. :) I'm gunna have so much fun with him. He is like my better half that completes me and I am always so happy to be around him. Even talking to him on the phone makes me happy... though I'm ready to see him now!

I took a pregnancy test over the weekend, it came negative... thank the lord! I told Brian it was positive though. It was hilarious! He believed me and I pulled it off so well! When I finally told him the truth, he was like I hate you! I'm like No you dont! You love me! :) It was great. He did so good when I told him that... he remained calm and was telling me what needs to be done, etc. He is so wonderful! :)

Hopefully his trip goes by slow... I still can't imagine myself saying good bye to him again... but for 6 months this time.

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Date:2005-06-11 14:25
Subject:12 days and still counting
Mood: excited

Ahhh its coming so soon... and I am so excited! I get him for a whole 10 days... and the sooner it comes... the sooner he leaves and the sooner he comes back again, well then leaves again... but then comes back again for good! I just can't wait to be with him again. :)

Yesterday I went over to Lindsays as usual... I took a pregnancy test, I kinda had a bad feeling in my tummy and it was making me nervous. When I went to go see Brian we had too much fun. :) He is absolutely amazing though!!! ahhh cant wait! But anyway... the pregnancy test came up negative... thank god almighty! When I called him to tell him the results... I told him that I was pregnant, and I played it off so good! Oh yeah me! He totally believed me! He stayed all nice and calm and he was walking through with me what we were gunna do. He's so perfect and such a gentleman. :) Finally I couldnt hold it in anymore and I told him the truth. He's like "I HATE YOU!" :) It was great. He said that it would have been nice if I was pregnant though. I told him it would be nice if he wasnt about to leave for a year! I want him to be there for the entire thing, not come back and have a four month old son!

He's gunna be such a good Daddy though. I can't wait to start to spend the rest of my life with him. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

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Date:2005-06-11 14:14
Mood: excited

Your #1 Love Type: INFJ

The Protector

In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship.
For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls.

Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in.
However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself.

Best matches: ENTP and ENFP

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